Pastoral Pearl: Please see through my tears...
Please see through my tears
I often have people in our Healing Hearts Grief Support Group share about how after they lost their loved one the things people said to them were often so unhelpful. Some things irritated them, others angered them, and some were just “nothings.” Interestingly enough these “Healing Hearts” also acknowledged that before their own loss they had said some pretty unhelpful things to someone else at a funeral or after a loss. They recognize, after some time working through their grief, that the reason what came out of their mouths was so useless was because they had not yet experienced this kind of loss themselves. They didn’t really understand what it felt like. They were uncomfortable, not knowing what to say. Can you relate to that? I surely can. Just how can I respond to a person’s sadness and grief?
I offer to you some wisdom brought forth in a poem one of our “Healing Hearts” shared.
Please See Through My Tears ~ by Kelly Osmont
You asked, “How are you doing?”
As I told you, tears came to my eyes …
and you looked away and quickly began to talk again.
All the attention you had given me drained away.
“How am I doing?” …
I can do better when people listen, though I may shed a tear or two. This pain is indescribable.
If you’ve never known it, you cannot fully understand. Yet I need you.
When you look away, when I’m ignored, I am again alone with it.
Your attention means more than you could ever know.
Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know!
They’re nature’s way of helping me heal. They relieve some of the stress of sadness.
I know you fear that asking how I’m doing brings me sadness… but you’re wrong.
The memory of my loved one’s death will always be with me, only a thought away.
My tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did not give me the pain … it was already there.
When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless, not knowing what to do?
You are not helpless, and you don’t need to do a ting but be there.
When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow, you’ve helped me.
You need not speak. Your Silence as I cry is all I need. Be patient … do not fear.
Listening with your heart to “how I am doing” relieves the pain,
For when the tears can freely come and go, I feel lighter.
Talking to you releases what I’ve been wanting to say aloud,
Clearing space for a touch of joy in my life.
I’ll cry for a minute or two … and then I’ll dry my eyes,
And sometimes you’ll even find I’m laughing later.
When I hold back my tears my throat grows tight, my chest aches, my stomach knots …
Because I’m trying to protect you from my tears.
Then we both hurt …
Me, because my pain was held inside, a shield against our closeness …
And you, because suddenly we’re distant.
So please, take my hand and see me through my tears… And then we can be close again.
Loving God, help me to be a compassionate listener, when someone else is hurting from the loss of someone dear to them.
Fill me with your strength so I may get over my own discomfort and just BE with someone who needs comfort – not with my words, not with anything I do, not with judgment, not making them try to care for MY discomfort in the midst of their very real need for healing tears, but just with my presence, allowing them to do or say what they might need to in that moment.
Help me find the courage to persevere in my friendship, rather than abandoning ship because I don’t know what to do or say.
May I follow the lead of the person grieving, and maybe I can learn how to BE there for them.~ Amen
FYI – We have a wonderful Healing Hearts Grief Support Group that meets here at GA, for those struggling with their grief after having lost someone dear to them. We’re in between sessions now, but will start back up for 8 more weekly sessions at the end of October or beginning of November. We also have wonderful BeFrienders, who are well-trained to use their active listening skills to walk with you on whatever journey of struggle, transition, challenge that you may be facing. Contact MaryPat Potts 651-789-3178 or )