Pastoral Pearls: Grief and Miscarriage
“Grief, in other experiences, is often about grieving the past. Miscarriage is about grieving the future.” ~ Dvora Entin in “How To Grieve a Miscarriage”
“Pregnancy loss is often grieving the loss of your baby at the same time as grieving the loss of trust in your body.” ~ Arden Cartrette of @themiscarriagedoula
The topic of miscarriage is one that I cannot understand completely, because I was blessed enough never to have experienced this tragedy. Since many have not experienced this loss, it is not real to them, and they rarely if ever give it a thought. After all, it is not something that is easily visible. Many don’t see it as a loss – “it is something you should be able to get over quickly, because it wasn’t a real (“born”) human being yet. So what are you mourning?” That outlook, or lack of even seeing the issue, makes it that much more hurtful to those for whom the suffering is all too real. It truly is grieving the unspoken loss.
I did have friends and relatives who went through this, some having gone through miscarriages multiple times. From them I learned how devastating a miscarriage can be, how hurtful, how impossible to comprehend or make sense of. The two quotes above describe the deep suffering I was surprised to feel in my friends and relatives. “Grieving the Future” helps me to see that since the baby is not even born, that when it’s liminal life spark is snuffed out, so are all the dreams the parent has for that child, the hopes for that loving relationship to grow (it has already begun as it is well-loved even in the womb), and sometimes even the potential to be a parent may be snatched from them. I saw sadness, anger, uncertainty, feeling somehow punished, a sense of unfairness, powerlessness and yes, even hopelessness The story quote below illustrates how destructive this experience can be, emotionally, psychologically, as well as physically.
“Having put myself back together after our first miscarriage, I was terrified of falling because after the fall, there’s the crash - and after the crash, there are a million little pieces to be put back together. I had only just put myself back together and I didn’t have the strength to fall… But fall I would. And into a million little pieces, I would break. And in the darkness, I would find my greatest strength.” Elisa Henry Morton in “Our Fertility Journey”
This story also illustrates the second quote above – once there has been a miscarriage, it is hard for both parents to trust the mother’s body again. What should have ended happily had dashed their expectations when it ended before it even truly blossomed. But I was blown away by the way this story also spoke of sometimes being able to find a way to God through this tragedy. At least that is the way I perceived it. “And in darkness I would find my greatest strength.” That’s how I see God working – sending us sparks of hope even in the worst of times.
If you ever find yourself or someone you know struggling with the emotions that go along with miscarriage, please reach out to MaryPat Potts and she can discuss how one of our BeFrienders could be of benefit to you - offering someone compassionate and caring to talk to. 651-789-3178 / *Please look at the event below and consider attending as a gift to yourself
Loving God, help me to acknowledge and strive to understand from their perspective the deep trauma of miscarriage in a family. Guide me to the ways I could compassionately support those suffering in this way. ~ Amen
Healing Hearts Grief Support Group begins a new 8-week series on Monday, Oct. 30 for those wanting some help to face and work through their grief after having lost someone close to them. If you are someone who still is struggling or feeling off-balance since the death of a loved one, or are experiencing any kind of great loss, please consider trying this out. We will meet in-person, but also offer an option for Zoom if you are unable to attend in person. All are welcome.
THIS time we will have a Daytime & an EVENING opportunity! Now you can feel the safety and support of a group who shares some kind of loss of a loved one – who can start from a place of understanding born of shared experience – at a time that fits your schedule. Both will meet for eight MONDAYS in a row either at 12:30-2:00 p.m., or at 6:30-8:00 p.m. Please give us a try if you are grieving. Contact MaryPat Potts 651-789-317
One participant writes: If you're experiencing any kind of grief, I hope you'll consider joining this group. You're welcome to join in discussions or just listen but always, it's with a compassionate group who understand your pain. There's an occasional tear but quite often, a lot of laughter as we remember our loved ones and the life we once shared. It's about learning to live a new life going forward with Jesus Christ watching over us while going through this difficult journey. ~ J