Pastoral Pearls: Listening Skills
Listening is being able to BE CHANGED by the other person. ~ Alan Alda
I would say I listen. But then I have to stop and think. When have I felt changed by the person I was listening to? That’s what usually happens in those truly meaningful conversations – I allow my self to be transformed by being open to understanding their perspective. Tricky though… I usually think that I am the one changing someone else by listening to them, and that may be true. After all, “The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” says Ralph G. Nichols. But how am I listening to them? Am I thinking about my response while half-listening? Am I hoping to change that person and only hearing what helps me to do that? Am I open? Have I parked my own judgements or pre-conceived ideas at the door? I guess I need to ask myself these things, before I speak.
But which is more important to the speaker – the listening or my response? It fills my ego to think that my response is what they really want, but experience has shown me differently. When I speak, what’s most important to me is that they attentively, actively listen to me, staying truly present to my words and the thoughts and feelings behind them. When I listen, do I ask for God to be with me in my listening and guide me? I certainly hear God’s voice through this quote from Roy T. Bennett, “Sometimes all a person wants is an empathetic ear; all he or she needs is to talk it out. Just offering a listening ear and an understanding heart for his or her suffering can be a big comfort.” Well, that puts my ego in its place! It really ISN’T about ME. In fact, the same letters used in “Listen” are used in “Silent.” Maybe that means that my listening can be more compassionate if I am silent sometimes – allowing for the speaker to gather and organize their thoughts, figure out what and how to share their of story, their thoughts, and feeling comfortable and ready to share something meaningful to them.
Here’s what I know… to make listening meaningful, I need to be attentive and truly present, to remember that my response is not what’s important, to use silence to patiently allow them to relate their story or thoughts at their own pace, and stay with them, to open myself up to understanding their perspective and allow myself to be changed by what they share. (I might need God’s help with all this!)
Loving God, teach me how to open myself up to be changed by another person’s sharing.
May I hear them through your ears of compassion, to make my listening meaningful for the person speaking and transformative for me.
May that person feel your love, through my empathetic ear and compassionate heart. Amen
* Remember, if you want to talk to someone who has all these Listener qualities and more, about any struggles, transitions, illness, grief or caregiving, we have amazing listeners called BeFrienders who could be there with you for however long or short you need them. Contact MaryPat Potts for more information.